After attending the I AM Seminar last October, not only did it change my life, but I also had some pretty hefty goals.  #1 was to write my grandma a letter apologizing for the fact that I couldn’t visit her often or for long periods of time and then I would continue to write her weekly letters.  I started writing the letter to my grandma and then decided Goal #2 seemed more important at the time, so I rearranged my goals and re-negotiated with my accountability partners that I would do Goal #1 by week 3.  My grandma died the week that I made the decision something else was more important than writing her a letter. Yep, go ahead and swallow that one for a moment 🙂 It’s a tough one.  She was one of the most important people in my life.
Over several years I talked to my grandma about the things I was doing and the places I had traveled to.  She told me several times to write them all down so I could share them with Fisher and my future grandkids.  It was something she always wanted to do and never did.  She said write one of those blogs or whatever they are. She inspired me to start a blog and write about the things that are happening and things I would want to be able to share with my grandkids someday and also to inspire others.
It was recommended by a good friend that I finish the letter.  Say what I wanted to say and let it go.  So here goes.
Grandma,
You will never know just how much you meant to me because I didn’t take the time to tell you word for word, what I thought.  I know you know I loved you and appreciated you, but let me tell you what you did for me.
  • You taught me that life should be fun.
  • You took time out of your schedule to invite me to Montana for so many summer adventures.
  • Some of my best childhood memories were spent in Montana with you, Mike and Arlis and their friends, Margie, Lloyd, Pete and the rest of your neighbors and Great Uncle Leonard.
  • I learned how to be strong and make new friends in places that were unfamiliar.  I learned to get out and explore and have fun by myself.
  • You scheduled me for camps and I had the opportunity to do so much. Most people my age didn’t even leave the state until they were out of college at that time.
  • You taught me how to host great parties and love everyone no matter what their life circumstance.  You taught me that everyone deserved second and third chances. You instilled in me to always help others when needed and look for the opportunity.
  • You tried to make me proper…but that didn’t really pan out. I mean, I’m not really “lady” material. At least I use a fork when I eat chicken strips now!
  • You taught me how to entertain, I just prefer Wine and Vodka over Wine and Brandy 🙂
One of the best  “I told you so” memories was that time my Dad picked me up in Billings and I rode on the back of a Harley to Sturgis.  You were right…I should have let you drive me! That was the longest Harley ride ever…   I think it took weeks to comb my hair after that.  But the experiences I was able to get at Sturgis that year were also some that will go down in the history book and only for my dad and uncle Dan to know about 🙂
I could go on and on, but maybe when you are in heaven you just know all of this, so for the sake of anyone reading this I will move on.
Now for the regrets.  Once I say them I am letting them go…forever…
  • I regret that I didn’t come see you more often. It hurt too much.
  • I regret that I couldn’t talk to you or understand you most of the time I did come to visit.
  • I regret that I had my sister do things you needed because I couldn’t find the strength in my body to do it because it just was too much for me.
  • I am sorry that I couldn’t stay when you begged me to stay for more time.
  • I am sorry that I didn’t call more often because I couldn’t understand you.
  • I’m also sorry I broke an agreement we had about singing at your funeral. When I finish the video, I promise I will sing for you. Its been several years since I practiced singing 🙂
You are in heaven today beautiful as ever singing Amazing Grace after years of darkness …..today you can see again. I look forward to the day I can see you again and you can see me, pain free. You no longer have to endure another day of darkness.
One of the things I forgot about you is that you never said goodbye.  You always said, See you later.  I never realized I say that now.  At your memorial, hearing Glen talk about this hit me hard and I couldn’t talk after the kind words he shared about you.  it opened a whole sea of memories and thoughts.   It was if I tried to forget parts of who and what you were so it didn’t hurt anymore. Thank you for everything you have ever done and how you will continue to touch my heart.  You were an amazing woman!
I love you Grandma!  See ya later…
XO